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Stage 4: Enlightenment—Everything falls into place. Your mind is no longer an oppressive hell and it begins to function again. Four days into the Ward, I was sitting in on an introductory Substance Abuse and Mental Health Rehabilitation meeting since there was absolutely nothing better to do.

To start us off, the meeting leader decided to have everyone go around and talk about why we were on the Ward.

During the day we discussed our thoughts and feelings, our inhibitions, our strengths, but more often than not we did nothing.

When you’re forced to sit and think about yourself for hours on end, you go through four stages of existence.

Over the past four days, I had yet to touch upon “what I was in for,” my story was a mystery to everyone around me. In the middle of my stimulating conversation my harried looking social worker suddenly strode into the dining room and headed purposefully over to me. “They’re trying to prevent you from going back.” I was shocked.

As my fellow patients went around the circle it all suddenly clicked. She began rattling off the Administration’s policy regarding students released from psychiatric care. I had an emotional breakdown because I didn’t feel safe and felt harassed on their campus.

Time does not speed up and jump ahead like it does when you are with friends.

You have no physical evidence, it wouldn’t get you very far to do this.

When May rolled around, everything finally came to a head. If I told anyone he would find out and do it again. For my independent studies photography course I produced a series of 20 self-portraits representing myself before, during, and after the rape. Their words stung like hornets: You look funny…I don’t get it, why are you so upset?

My “Anniversary” was coming up and all of the terror that I had intermittently felt that year became one giant ball of horror that filled my life. I went to the counseling center, as they always tell you to do, and spoke about how genuinely sad I was at Amherst, how much I wanted to leave, and how scared I was on a daily basis.

“I should just drink darkroom developer or something…” Twenty minutes later campus police was escorting me into an ambulance.

They were even less understanding: There’s something seriously wrong with you; you’re not healthy and normal right now. You HAVE to go, but don’t worry, you won’t have to be there too long. Amherst cares about you and wants you to get better.




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